Farts And Counterparts

“Farts are like snowflakes … no two are alike.” – David Sawlon

There are loud ones, quiet ones, long ones, short ones, wet ones and silent but deadly ones that will drop a sinner to his knees begging for forgiveness! But the best one is the embarrassing one!

Here’s the story: I play in a five piece Irish band and we have a practice about twice a month; either at Robin’s or my house. On this occasion we were at Lois’s home.

Bill, Scott, Lois, Robin and myself were all sitting around the kitchen table taking a break from playing when Robin wanted to show us how a well known flute player moved while playing his instrument. She stood up in front of us all and started swaying back and forth, demonstrating the moves of the flautist when out popped a fart (one of those cute little girl farts; if there is such a thing). A roar of laughter came from us all except Robin, who just said “Sorry!” I myself would have dropped to my knees and begged for forgiveness! lol

It’s aways fun to record every practice …

The Sinkhole

The setting for this story is at Lake Nugent (no relation to Ted).

Just north of Baldwin Michigan, west of M-37 there is a beautiful lake. It is nestled deep in the wooded State Forest of Michigan. Oak, maple and pines surrounding its shore make it the perfect place for camping or just hanging out.

During the summer I would take my kids there to camp and fish. Naomi was nine years old and David seven. Staying at my cousin Dave’s old shack (not nice enough to be called a cabin) was our spot. Fishing and hiking during daylight hours and sitting around a camp fire at night. Hot dogs and marshmallows were always the main course.

Then came the deep darkness, and the story of “The Sinkhole”!

The hole was far off to the east over rolling hills and dried up creek beds, thick with brush and old trees. Local deer hunters stayed away from the hole; said they heard too many strange stories about the place.

So as we sat around the camp fire I told my kids that if you listen real close you can hear snapping and crawling sounds coming from there (like blood sucking leeches!). Oozing through the woods, coming closer and closer (Dads can be mean). Then as quick as a duck on a June bug they shouted, “Stop! Stop!”

Needless to say, they didn’t like the story all that much until later, like when we were in Holland! I thought it was a good story for little kids! lol

Maybe I went to far, but it was fun! (I’m just a rascal …)

The Homeless Look

There are a lot of different looks today; the girly look, classy business look, laid back look, glamorous look and the goth and geeky look to name a few.

I came up with a new look not even trying. My look is called the homeless look!

While at work one day I went out for a smoke break. The music shop I worked at was in an upscale shopping district one block from the city mission.

Wearing a hooded sweatshirt under my favorite old and frayed jacket and fingerless gloves (I call them my smoking gloves), a regular looking dude stopped and asked if I had any money. I said no because I thought he was a panhandler. Then he took pity on me and offered me a couple bucks. I was about to tell him I worked in the store but it was too late.

Back in the store my fellow employee, Phil, wanted to spend the cash on some candy at Kilwin’s across the street and I said nope!

This was all mine, I earned it myself!

Bacon And Eggs

“You speak with forked lips!”

This is what I used to say to my friend Dave after one of our camping experiences.

Pine Point camp ground is where the story takes place. A beautiful spot located in the Allegan State forest, great for kayaking and hiking or just hanging out, but not fishing. Haven’t caught a fish there since sixty four! What’s up with that?

On this occasion, Dave, Deb (Dave’s girlfriend), Shirley and I spent the night camping there, playing guitars around a fire and talking into the night. It was great!

Then came morning, with the cool crisp air accompanied by birds singing their tunes. So lovely! Birds singing at five thirty a.m. is a beautiful thing, unless you want to sleep til nine (Sometimes birds annoy me! lol).

As the sun came up over the horizon it was getting closer to breakfast time. Yummy! Now Deb is an excellent cook, so she was making breakfast for all. A Coleman gas stove is great for bacon and eggs, but not for toast. Deb’s technique was browning the bread by holding it over an open burner flame with a fork. It worked quite well.

As we were all sitting down to eat, Dave said, “Where’s my fork?” Without thinking about it, Deb handed him the searing fork. Dave brought the fork loaded with fried eggs to his tender lips when a popping sizzle sound came from his mouth. “Argh!” Dave yelped with eggs flying out of his mouth! We howled with laughter when we saw the forked shaped blisters on his lip.  Now that’s something you don’t see every day!

As Dave sat there licking his wounds (lips), I asked if he was going to eat his bacon. Dave just sat there staring into space mumbling to himself (some people are just grumps in the morning).

I love second breakfast!

Funky Things -

Funky Things -

The names were changed to protect the innocent … Me!

During my traciotomy I hear the nurse excitedly say, “What do we do now!”

While cruzin’ in my VW Bug (70′s) with my friend Wes I hear him say, “Man, that was foul!” Him, not me!

Walking up to my car a guy standing by it says, “I didn’t even see it!”

After smoking a joint (70′s again) with my friend Dan, he says, “That funny taste was PCP.”

Hearing my manager say, “Oh, we’re going to take inventory this Sunday.”

The stuff I think about while lying in bed at 4:00 in the morning – )

Wake Up

Having your dog yawn in your face in the morning is like that first cup of coffee … wakes me up!

Legs

There are three types of women’s legs … “The Gaper (no rubbing)”, “The Squeaker (some rubbing)” and “The Overlapper (all rubbing)”. This little bit of information was shared by a student friend of mine as he and his buddy were observing girls walking by in shorts in the 60′s. I like all three … )

The Walls Have Ears

“The Walls have Ears … “
I think most people have heard this saying, unless you’re maybe eight.
This is another one Fon and I came up with while working at Del’s Music Center. What if “The Walls have Noses,” with a bad cold! Or, “The Walls have Eyes.” Yikes! Or maybe, “The Walls have Butts.” Now that’s a scary thought if they just ate a few Gordon sized cans of baked beans!
We came up with more, but …

“Names … “

When I worked at Del’s Music Center, Fon and I came up with inserting a person’s name in movie or tv titles. We used his Dad (Doug) first . “I was a Teenage Doug”, “The God Doug”, “Indiana Doug”, “Leave it to Doug”, “The Doug from the Black Lagoon” and my favorite is “Night of the Living Doug!” :>)

“The Phone Call … “

Here’s another Del’s Music Center story. Doug the manager always answered the phone with the greeting “Hey Babe” when he knew it was his wife on the other end. One day I answered the phone and it was Danny from Harris-Teller (our small goods supplier). “Line one Doug, it’s your wife!” … )

Bob

Never have Bob Evan’s biscuits and gravy … unless you like having an “Out of Body Experience!” Literally! Thought I was going to die! )